자유영작 교정샘플

< 원문 >
Summer vacation
I'm going to talk about my summer vacation. my summer vacation I did many things. In October 25, I went to a beach with my families to Young-Kwang It was nice to meet my families. We get together one time every year. At the beach, we made a sand castle, went swimming, cached fishes (we catched some shellfish and did many things. The shellfish was very delicious cooked in fire. That day was my grandfather in law's birthday. So we got around the campfire and celebrated my grandfather. in law's birthday. We sang the happy birthday song and ate cake. My grandfather in law looked very happy. When we woke up we tried to catch a big crab. But we catched very small crabs. Next day we went to Kumho resort. It was a big condomunium with fun lots of fun things. The best fun thing was the waterslide. There was a big pool near the condominium, and in the pool there was a long slide. It was fun to slide by lying down, sitting, and lying by forward. The lying by forward was the best. I couldn't see the front, so it was fun. At night we celebrated my grandfather's birthday. It was fun when my cousin which is a baby lied down on the birthday cake.The cake was totally broken. Everyone laughed. When it was time to go to home, we promissed to be together next time. It was the best summer vacation I had. Thank you. (The end)

<원어민 교사 교정후>
Summer vacation
I'm going to talk about my summer vacation. During my summer vacation(,) I did many things.
In On October 25, I went to a the beach with my families family to Young-Kwang. It was nice to meet my families relatives. We get together one time once every year.
At the beach, we made a sand castle, went swimming, cached and caught( ED: use past tense verb to have parallel structure) some fishes fish (fishes can be used - but fish (which is also a plural) is preferred) (we catched, including some shellfish, and did many other things. The shellfish, which we cooked on fire, was were very delicious cooked in fire. That day was my grandfather(-) in (-) law's birthday. So (Don’t start a sentence with ‘so’) We we got sat around the campfire and celebrated my grandfather(-) in(-) law's birthday. We sang the happy birthday Happy Birthday song and ate cake. My grandfather(-) in(-) law looked very happy. When we woke up
The next day, we tried to catch a big crab. But but instead we catched only caught very small crabs. The The Next next day we went to Kumho resort. It was a big condomunium condominium with fun lots of fun things to do. The best fun thing most fun item was the waterslide. There was aA big large pool was located near the condominium, and a long slide was in the pool there was a long slide. It was fun to slide by lying down on the back, sitting, and head first lying by forward (What is lying by forward?). The lying by forward Sliding in head first was the best. I couldn't see the front, so it was fun. At night we celebrated my grandfather's birthday. It was fun when my cousin which is, a baby ,lied down lay on the birthday cake. The cake was totally broken crushed. Everyone laughed. When it was time to go to home, we promissed to be together promised to get together next time. It was the best summer vacation I had. Thank you. (The end)